Flip-flopping

Ever since I became aware of politics and the effect that the political process has on our everyday lives, which I think started in 4th grade because of the recent presidential election, I have always been a liberal. As I became more and more aware of politics, my commitment to liberalism increased. When I finally turned 18 and was able to vote, I was proud to associate myself with the values that the Democratic party represented to me.

The only time I used the words "right-wing" were in reference to myself was when I was discussing Israel. I came to Israel for the first time in the summer of 2004, unsure of what my political views were on this place that I had been told about my entire life. Every minute I spent during that idyllic summer only pushed my views further and further to the right.

(Right-wing in Israel most notably refers to the belief that Israel's borders should be those of biblical times, including part of Jordan and the Sinai Peninsula. Also, it usually takes a very negative view towards the Palestinians, and promotes Jewish settlement in the West Bank and Gaza.)

I don't know why, but over the past month or so, my views have been heading more and more towards the left. (Left-wing being in favor of giving up land for peace, supporting Palestinians, etc.)I started out silently disagreeing with many viewpoints of my History of the Modern Palestinians teacher, but now I find myself agreeing with her on many more points. At the same time, I don't know what to believe, and my views keep changing.

For that class I had to read a book called Strangers in the House by Raja Shehadeh, an account of a Palestinian man growing up in the West Bank. Even though I could see where some of the book was clear propaganda, it had an effect on me.

On Friday and Saturday I went to a Shabbaton organized by MASA, the Israeli government organization that provides scholarships for Jews ages 18-30 looking to spend an extended amount of time in Israel. The topic of the weekend was Israeli Security, and it included a tour of the security fence/wall/barrier. I thought I'd be able to gain some perspective, but I only grew more confused.

It's been implied to me before that true Zionists must be right-wing, and as I consider myself a Zionist, this is troubling. I know of course, that that's not true, but I feel a sense of guilt when I see a young Palestinian trying to wash cars stopped at a traffic light for a shekel or two of income for his family, only to be rebuffed by the Israeli drivers.

Every time I see some mark of terrorism, my heart flipflops and I find myself on the right-wing side again. A plaque on a wall reading "Here, on _________, ________ people were killed when a suicide bomber blew himself up on the # ___ bus. May their memories be for a blessing." The Frank Sinatra cafeteria at Hebrew U, where a suicide bomber blew himself up a few years ago before there was efficient security there. Police standing on corners in East Jerusalem. Security guards checking my bag when I enter a restaurant or store.

I recall pictures of Palestinians burning American and Israeli flags. Of suicide bombers' last pictures, decked out in bomb belts and holding a gun. Of masked men surrounding a young boy, instructing him in the use of a rifle. It's hard to know that you're hated simply because of your religion.

But then I learn about the brainwashing that goes on in schools, camps, youth groups, and other aspects of Palestinian society. I learn of the immense poverty, of the inability to make a decent living. The difficulty of farmers to get to their olive trees on the other side of the security fence/wall/barrier. And I feel bad for them. And I feel like the enemy.

It's hard not to know what you believe in. Especially when you're the kind of person I am, one who's grown up with steadfast, unwavering beliefs.

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict/clash/situation isn't one you can pick and choose in. In America you can be Republican but be pro-choice. Or you can be a Democrat and be pro-privatization.

It's hard, if not impossible, to reconcile the opposing sides in this issue.